Soon the clocks will change for the end of Summer time… they will go back. If only we could do that in real life.
Instead of which the 3rd November is looming ever closer – the day last year I lost my gorgeous Jimmy. How wonderful if we could just turn the clock back to how things were before the cancer took him and keep on living our lives together as it was meant to be. Ah dreams… only dreams.
A friend, who sadly also lost her husband to cancer, asked me recently “Do you have a plan for the day? Not that you need one.”
I’d been pondering that question for a number of weeks not sure of what to do. As chance would have it Cathryn Craig and Brian Willoughby will be guesting at Darlington Folk Club that night and that is what I’m going to do… go and see them. If Jimmy were alive there would have be no question about it we would definitely have gone so go I will. Over the past few years we’ve become good friends with Cathryn and Brian and they were very supportive last year when Jimmy was ill. It has meant a great deal to us both.
The alternative? To sit at home and mope and be miserable all day, I suspect not what Jimmy would wish me to do.
And my friend, the one I mentioned earlier, she is coming to see them too! We shall support each other through the ‘wintry’ times ahead of us.
I’ll finish the blog with a very summery picture – a picture of Jimmy standing outside what had to be just about his most favourite place to be… the Taylor Guitar Factory in El Cajon, California. This was taken on our last trip there in 2013.
August was always a celebratory month for us… Jimmy’s birthday the 2nd, our wedding anniversary the 12th and my birthday 25th. This year, of course, has been the first of these without Jimmy. Naturally, there are a quite a number of ‘first since’ occasions and I guess when the second year comes round it will become the ‘second since’ and so on and on. It will always be that way… there’s no getting away from it.
So while these ‘first sinces’ bring sorrow that Jimmy is not here to share them with me, they’re also a chance to remember the good times we had while he was.
This year nothing too exciting has happened on these particular August dates. On Jimmy’s birthday I visited his grave and had a good long ‘chat’ with him about what’s going on in my life. I like to keep him up to date! I also arranged for the marker cross to be put back in at the graveside. When the headstone was put in this had been removed and I had taken it home but decided the best place for it was at the graveside and it looks better there.
On the wedding anniversary day I was at Saltburn Folk Festival for the whole weekend. I was staying in a self-catering apartment in the middle of Saltburn and had taken with me the anniversary card I had got for Jimmy last year to ‘celebrate’ the day. I had a good time at the Festival catching up with and spending time with Cathryn Craig & Brian Willoughby and Allan Taylor on the Friday and Saturday. Drinking Guinness till 2 in the morning at the Spa Hotel with Brian and others was fun too!
And today, my birthday, I’ve again been up to visit Jimmy – I’m glad I did as the headstone was covered with dried out grass cuttings so I gave the headstone a good clean. I received some cards from friends which is lovely and some lovely messages too on my Facebook page.
Last year when we learned Jimmy was not well we each began to write a daily journal. Things we’d done during the day, thoughts we’d had… that kind of thing. Reading back through this brings both sorrow and joy but I’m glad I have it to go back to.
Reading through August’s entries has been fascinating… we were so busy busy busy! It was the month when we finalised and signed off the DVD we had made for Anthony John Clarke and that was such a relief to have that finished. It is great to have it out there as a legacy of Jimmy’s hard work. If you haven’t already bought your copy you should be ashamed! You can buy it from the albums page of Anthony John’s website and watch an extract on the home page.
I am very much enjoying the walks with the Northumberland Walking Group. I found this group through a site called meetup.com and there are loads and loads of different clubs for different interests. I’ve been on 4 walks in March and it’s a great reminder of the wonderful scenery here in Northumberland – you can’t beat it (apart from maybe some parts of Scotland!).
I spent sometime up in Jedburgh last month chilling out with Anthony John and Julia which was just lovely – and we went for a walk! On my way to visit my son Richard for Easter, I visited Cusworth Hall near Doncaster.
Cusworth Hall Tea Room
When Jimmy and I re-met on 26 March 2002 (after 30 years) he met me off the train at Doncaster station and we spent a lovely lovely afternoon strolling around the grounds of Cusworth Hall. The date fell perfectly for me to visit on my way south and I couldn’t miss the opportunity. I went to the tea room and had a toasted tea cake (this was what I had 14 years ago) and a cup of coffee. Sad but happy memories of that lovely day. Our plan was to have at least 30 years together, having spent 30 years apart, but alas it was not meant to be. This will always be a special place and I am so glad of the time we did manage to spend together.
On Easter Monday I went along to the football match at Cambridge United (against Oxford). My son has supported Cambridge United forever and this was the first time I had been to the ground. It was a good match albeit goalless.
Jimmy’s grave Edgewell Cemetery, Prudhoe
On the Tuesday I met up again with my old work colleague Joyce Freeman and after the Knit and Knatter group, which is held in a room in the Wyevale Garden Centre in Huntingdon, we had lunch there and a long long chat afterward – it was lovely. Thank you so much Joyce.
The final happening for March was the memorial stone being placed on Jimmy’s grave. I went along to watch the work being done and I am so pleased with it. This was designed by Jimmy and me last year and it was good to see the finished piece finally in place. I think Jimmy would be proud of it.
It’s only been 4 months and it can be so difficult to know what to write and to know what to think or do.
The emotions are all over the place. Some days are better than others while others are just god awful with a dreadful feeling in the pit of the stomach and the realisation hitting you hard – I will never speak to or see my lovely Jimmy ever again. He’s gone… just gone. And then I feel angry ‘cos it should never have happened and then I feel sorry for myself and then feel guilty about that because I’m still here and Jimmy isn’t! He didn’t want to go. He often said that in some ways he was the lucky one (!) ‘cos he wouldn’t have to deal with afterwards so it would be worse for me.
I’ve been spending a lot of time looking through our thousands (and I mean thousands) of photographs so I can put together an ‘album’ on CD for Jimmy’s son Lyndon and everything just everything has a memory which then carries an emotion. I wouldn’t want to not look at photographs of Jimmy though… in fact I have printed off quite a few and they are dotted around the house so he’s always with me and I can ‘talk with him’.
I’m trying to create some normality to my new life but when your whole world is turned upside down and inside out it’s hard. For years you have a way of life with your wife/husband/partner. You do certain things together, you have ways of talking to each other, there’s a routine of togetherness, a purpose because you’re there for each other, a reason for being. So here I am alone for the first time in my life and so all of that ‘normality’ is gone and trying to find or create a new ‘normality’ is not easy.
But, dreadful as the saying is, life does go on and I just have to get on with it. As you know I do get out and about I have been trying new things that I just wouldn’t have done otherwise.
Morpeth to Bothal circular
I’ve met up with two lots of friends this week for coffee and it’s always lovely to catch up with people. I’ve been for another long walk today (8 miles this one!) with the walking group I joined. Very muddy but very enjoyable. I’ve planned and booked a week in Rome (with my son Richard) for the middle of April. I’d always wanted to go to Italy but somehow we never quite got round to that one. We’re both looking forward to that.
I’m playing my guitar everyday in the house but slow progress on expanding the repertoire but I’ll keep plodding on. I’ve tried out a few songs but they don’t quite ‘do it’ so I’ll just have to try some others. There’s loads of songs I like but just because you like a song doesn’t mean you can do proper justice to it.
I’ve a trip to Jedburgh planned for later in the month and then I’ll be heading down south again to stay with my son over Easter so plenty to do and plenty to look forward to.
The first guitar for sale is now up on eBay so fingers crossed.
Till next time…